Depression

Today began with me being depressed about life.  I have no job, I have no money, I have no marriage, I miss my boys, I miss my Daisy, I have no place to live, and life just seems pretty low right now.  I'm living out of a suitcase at my parents house.  There are a lot of forms to fill out when filing for a divorce.  I would prefer to get this done on my own without a lawyer simply because I have NO money!  I quite literally could find something wrong with anything and everything today it seems like.

I've been helping my mother out a bit down at her office.  She has her own counseling business and is a Licensed Psychologist.  So having your own psychologist comes in handy from time to time, but then there are other times when you wish it wasn't so psychological, if you know what I mean, but she's a great therapist and a great mom.  Anyway, in all my wonderful misery today, a person walked in wanting to speak to someone about their depression.  I sat and listened for a bit to them talking.  I found myself lighting up a bit wanting to make them see their life is worth living and that life doesn't always suck!

This person left and planned to return when my mother was available.  I began looking at my own life, trying to find the happiness within it, the reason to continue moving forward.  I found a few things bringing light into my world, one of which are my children, my family, and my puppies.  It's just really hard to find happiness when you feel like nothing goes right in your life and the only place you seem to be moving is down.

So then comes God and the beautiful phrases we hear so frequently:  Let Go and Let God, This too shall pass, and my favorite - the Serentity Prayer.


God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.

In looking at serenity prayers however, I came across this one that went further than the one we all know and say to ourselves.  Here it is and I hope you enjoyed the words as much as I did!

I'm Moving On

This song by Rascal Flatts fits so perfectly with my journey in life right now that I had to post the lyrics and the video both so you can all understand what I'm feeling and going through.

"I'm Moving On"

I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I'm at peace with myself
I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long
I'm movin' on

I've lived in this place and I know all the faces
Each one is different but they're always the same
They mean me no harm but it's time that I face it
They'll never allow me to change
But I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong
I'm movin' on

I'm movin' on
At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there's no guarantees, but I'm not alone
There comes a time in everyone's life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone

I sold what I could and packed what I couldn't
Stopped to fill up on my way out of town
I've loved like I should but lived like I shouldn't
I had to lose everything to find out
Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road
I'm movin' on

I'm movin' on
I'm movin' on

Till next time!

Collide

That's all I'm gonna say for now!  Till next time....

Today

Today started early for me, thanks to a dear friend of mine texting me at 5:45am.  I took a few catnaps throughout the morning however to compensate for the early rise.  I finally dragged myself out of bed around noon.  When you don't have a job or anything to really get up for, it's a bit difficult to wake up early, especially when no one else is getting up either.

After I was up I tried to get a few more loads of laundry done, but I eventually found my way back to the bed for some more catnapping.  I felt pretty lazy today.  I really didn't find myself doing a whole lot.  The kids seemed pretty laid back too today so I guess it all fit well together.

I did go on facebook though and connect with some friends.  One friend I chatted with was from way back when I was in high school, probably around 10th grade.  He grew up in Redwood Falls and we met at a swim meet with our local churches.  We stayed friends for some time afterwards but did eventually loose touch after a couple years.  So it was really cool talking with him and catching up on like 25 years.  Hopefully we'll be able to reconnect in person in the future.  He was quite the spunky person from what I remember.

Oh and I had a few texts from other people throughout the day, some more of my friends.  It's such a great feeling to have friends in your life to talk to.  So often I have felt like I needed to distance myself from them because of the situation I was in, but I've made the decision I am not doing that anymore.  I need them in my life and I want them in my life and they are the likely people to help me get through the rough times that I know will surely come my way soon.  They are all a blessing and I am very thankful to God for having them in my life.  They are special people.

Past Present Future

About 30 minutes ago I came across a box with some old journals, from nearly 20 years ago!  As I read them I was taken back to that time remembering those events, but some I struggled to remember, names mostly.  But most were good times, like Friday, October 13th, 1995 when Joelle and I went with Stephen and Aisling (our Ireland friends) to the Mall of America and the bars that used to be on the 4th floor.  We had such a blast at the piano bar that whole night!  It was and has remained one of the best nights of my life!!  We danced, bull-shitted, and went to the piano and sang with the players.  It was sooo much fun!!!

Now there were other events too, some were not so happy and fun, but I did find an underlying message still prevalent to my life today and that is being happy!  I know the answer to that question and have known that answer for some time.  Then I looked towards the future and my predicted happiness there.  It's clear what I need to do, I just need to do it and do it now!  I've waited long enough...too long.  It's time I get-r-done!

I'm not sure what the future will hold, but I think my happiness will definitely be a beginning to it!  I know that I have a lot of people who love and support me no matter where my journey leads and above all them, I have the Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

So let it begin!

Dogs

I wasn't sure what I would write about today, but I wanted to make sure I wrote.  I didn't want it to be another month before my next entry.

My day started off pretty early, getting up at 7am to get the youngest off to summer school.  Most of the day I was more or less lazy.  It was more comfortable laying in bed than doing anything else.  I eventually made it out of bed and into the world, but that didn't seem to last long.  I got everyone fed and even did some work on getting the basement a little more picked up, but the energy didn't seem to last.

At 7pm I found the movie Marley-n-Me playing on FX, so the kids and I watched it.  It is and absolute must-see movie if you are a dog lover in anyway.  The end is pretty sad though as Marley dies, but this is after years of love with the family.  Watching Owen Wilson in the room with the dog at the end when the drug goes in and ends Marley's life reminds me of my precious Snicker.

It was 1993 when I found my Snicker at the Fargo, ND Humane Society.  She was a Basset Hound/Beagle mix.  If I can find a picture I'll post one.  She was mostly black with some white and tan.  She reminded instantly of a snicker bar and that's why I called her Snicker!  They felt she was already a year old when I adopted her.  She was with us all the way through June 2006.  We had her for 13 years, which is pretty long for dogs.  She slept on the bed with me, even under the covers.  She was such a great dog.  She ended up spending most of her life with my parents due to me moving around and living in places where dogs were not allowed.

I eventually married and had children, obviously, but when we lived in St. James our house had a fenced in yard.  I knew I eventually wanted to have a dog and I knew Snicker would finish her time with my parents.  A week before Snicker passed away our family added two Basset Hounds, Daisy and Elvis.  It turned out to be good timing.  We picked up the pups on Sunday and that Saturday the tie had come to let my Snicker go.  Even though she had spent the bulk of her life with my folks my dad let me be the one to be in the room when they put her down.

She didn't even know what hit her.  I watched the vet get the medicine ready, holding my precious dog who had been a part of my life for the last 13 years and began telling her how loved she was and how much she would be missed.  He put the medicine in her leg and within seconds I no longer felt her breathe, she was gone, just like that, instantly, it was over.

Dogs are a very special animal and spelled backwards dog is God!  I wonder if there's more to that?  They are after all man's best friend!  I'm going to leave with some of the final dialogue from the movie:

A dog has no use for fancy cars...

  
or big homes or designer clothes.

  
A waterlogged stick will do just fine.

  
A dog doesn't care
if you're rich or poor...

  
clever or dull, smart or dumb.

  
Give 'em your heart
and he'll give you his.

  
How many people can you say that about?

  
How many people can make you
feel rare and pure and special?

  
How many people can
make you feel... extraordinary?

Unexpected Blessings

It's been much longer than I anticipated since my last posting and much has happened since then.  The biggest this was have carpal tunnel release surgery a few weeks ago on my right hand.  I'll have it on my left hand too in roughly five weeks, but my right needs to heal before that happens.  Here are a few pictures of what my hand looked like wrapped up and with the stitches.

Here is my hand wrapped:

And here is what my hand looked liked unwrapped with stitches:

It looks kind of icky there, but it was all dried, dead skin.  But this is what my hand looks like now:

90% of that dried dead stuff is gone.  I've been putting Vitamin E Oil on it to hopefully avoid scarring.  We'll see how well that works.  My hand definitely feels better and I'm glad I finally did something about my carpal tunnel.  I've been suffering from it for several years and it's on my list of 101 things to do in 1001 days, so I can finally check that off the list!

I went home, back to Windom the past couple weekends too, spending time with friends and family.  Some of those friends I have not seen in quite a while, so it was really fun to catch up and reconnect with them.  One of them I have not seen in nearly 21 years!  She was like a sister to me way back when I was involved with her brother.  We picked up right where we left off, feeling like it was just yesterday we last saw each other.  It was so awesome, made me feel young again!

As for my life, I'm still here in small town USA with my kids, my puppy, and the hubby, looking for a job.  Some weeks there are several and others I struggle on which ones to apply to.  I keep searching and searching hoping that someday I'll find some kind of employment out there.  Until then however, it's apply here and apply there, look, look, and look some more.

Well that's about it for now.  Till next time, count your blessings in your life!